Problem Solved

Today I had my informal 90 day evaluation at work. It turns out, as I expected, that I totally rock. I probed him in areas of improvement, and he seemed to have none. He talked with management and my peers and heard nothing but good feedback. But me being as persistent as I am and one who chooses to live in this place that I’d like to call the ”real world”, knew that he had to have some advice for me, and I really did want to know it.

So he said, “Sometimes when you are communicating”, and it almost seemed like time had stopped. I was expecting to here “you need to think before you talk” or “you’re not always as professional as you should be”. I expected those things because in my current workplace, I have kind of just given up on the whole stepping on eggshells paradox and sometimes revert to what would charitably be known as colloquial linguistics. Namely, I like to say Fuck a lot in my fishbowl, I mean cubicle, and I have no problem saying things like bullshit in any sort of meeting. For the record, most people there don’t have this problem either, so it’s par for the course.

What he said, to paraphrase, was that sometimes when I communicate I express a lack of confidence. It’s kind of weird having your boss say this, because after all, they could give a flying fuck about your confidence as long as you do you work and make them look good, so they can drive their Porsche Boxster home every day. (Yeah, he has a Porsche, that fucker. ([Enter Green Eyed Monster Stage Left]) Maybe he thinks that part of doing that is convincingly conveying to everyone on the team and in management that I know what the hell I am doing. I’m not going to pontificate on his motivations, but I do think that it is great that he said it.

Then he continued and gave me an example. He said that there was total confidence in my writing, and then when he first met me in the interview, I was uncertain of myself until I warmed up later. Is there something to be said for that? Am I like Harry who lives beautifully in his art but sucks in real life?

It’s very easy to convey your thoughts in writing, because, it’s just that, your thoughts, almost unadulterated. And you can also frame them however you want and hit delete and spell-check, which I have done many times tonight. And you’re not asking for anything, like more money or permission to stick my penis in someone. Once those monkeys, which are the two 400 pound Gorillas in most 25 year old men’s lives, are of your back, you worry less about looking good and more about being good. But I digress.

I think that this statement is a lot more powerful when it comes from your boss then if it comes from, say, some random chick at a Bar. Yes, this has happened many times. Totally random people who travel in the same circles as I do, usually women in relationships or women, who do not date “younger” guys, have, after one or more meetings pretty much pegged me as a guy who lacks confidence.

It’s even more powerful coming from your Boss then it is from your close friends in some odd way. That’s because you take it for granted that your Boss doesn’t give a fuck about the good side of you, and that your friends do. Your friends are your cheerleaders, or at least they should be, even if you play Temple Football. And your boss, well, he’s just the guy with the pointy hair who actually expects you to get shit done.

What I have been realizing in the past couple of months which was definitely sealed today was not that I need to be more confident or show more confidence. That is an axiom which I came to except a long time ago. What I really realized is that all these people, the friends, the random drunk chicks (well, at least one of us was drunk at the time), and the pointy haired boss, were not saying that I need to be more confident. What they were saying is that I have a lot to be confidant about. Thus, problem solved. QED bitches!

And for the record, my Boss doesn’t have pointy hair. He is very supportive and he outlines clear goals, and I execute them. If you get a boss like this, then pinch yourself, because it doesn’t happen that often. My point is that no matter how cool a boss looks on the surface, no one ever expects them to give a flying fuck about you. I mean how could I have a crappy boss and work at a place that does tin foil bowling?