When I look in the mirror I believe my own eyes

I’m sitting here, looking at my arms and legs. I’m amazed at how I can actually see my veins. That’s an interesting and fairly new phenomenon. Since I’ve been riding by Bike a lot the past few summers, I have lost weight, grown some leg muscles, and felt a lot Healthier. Now, when I look in the mirror, I actually like what I see. But I think it goes a little deeper than that these days. I can now look in the mirror and really like what I see, as in who I am.

See, before, I don’t think that I liked it, the whole looking in the mirror thing; the process of looking inside and seeing who you really are. I was always introspective, and I always wanted to better myself and was willing to look in the mirror, but I never liked what I saw. I only saw the worts, the zits, the uncombed hair, the un-brushed teeth, the non-exfoliated skin, the half eyebrows, and all that. I didn’t see my smile, my eyes, my cheeks, my smooth skin, and all that. I didn’t see who I really was.

For some reason, I didn’t really like who I was. A quote from Woody Allen in Annie Hall sums up how I felt, “Is it the old Groucho Marx joke that I'm - I just don't want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member?” Yeah, when people wanted me to be in their “club”, I would wonder when they were going to kick me out. I would be thinking, “Those fools, if only they knew what I was really like.” Or, my favorite would be not engaging people because I would think, “Why would they want to hang out with me?”

And at that point in my life, I couldn’t look people in the eyes. They would wander, or when I did, I felt so self-conscious and weirded out, that I quickly stopped. I felt exposed, naked, and ashamed. Look out for people who can’t look you in the eyes. There is something weird going on there.

Then, with the help of some very good friends, both old and new, I found a new life. I can now look people in the eyes. I now see in myself what should have been painfully obvious. I now see the beauty that many people have always seen in me. I can now, proudly, look in the mirror, and when I look in the mirror I believe my own eyes.