Boulder of Shame

I’ve always been a pretty blunt person. I have prided myself on cutting through bullshit and arbitrary notions of tact. I’ve been complimented on many occasions for my ability to “say anything”. For example, a girl I worked with in college saw me chewing on straws a lot. She asked me if I did it because I had an oral fixation. I responded that I thought that most girls would like that. That’s the kind of bluntness that I had. I had the ability to say anything without really revealing anything.

I had a conversation with a friend one night and he told me about the reason he is such good friends with his best friend. He said that they don’t hold anything back. Then I realized that for years I was holding back. I was holding back with him, but more importantly, I was holding back with myself.

Yeah, I can flirt or ask people questions that most would not even think about asking. I can say a lot of things most people just don’t say. But at the same time, I was holding back. I didn’t talk about the fact that I was miserable and uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn’t really let anyone into my life, even the people who meant a lot to me. But more importantly, I didn’t tell the people who were important in my life how much they meant to me.

So at that moment, I just said fuck it, and just let it all out. I started telling people what I was really thinking and feeling. I let it all out without fear of sounding sappy or worrying about feeling vulnerable. And instead of feeling vulnerable, it’s quite a liberating experience. Keeping things bottled up feels like carrying around the Stone Cutters boulder of shame, and now I’ve cut the shackles.